


Beneath You

by Sylph_of_Breath



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Davekat Week 2020, Day 2, God tiers, M/M, Sadstuck, davekat - Freeform, mention of childhood trauma, mention of death and mortality, minor references to sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28398702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sylph_of_Breath/pseuds/Sylph_of_Breath
Summary: An embarrassing moment between Karkat and Dave leads to a serious discussion about their relationship and their future.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 5
Kudos: 36





	Beneath You

"Looks good, dude. A little big on you, but definitely your color."

You are suddenly hit with the sensation of having swallowed your bloodpusher at the sound of Dave’s voice. You spin around in a panic and there he is, smooth as always, leaning against your bedroom doorframe with one of his trademark one-pixel smirks that are as obnoxious as they are incredibly sexy, though in this particular case, definitely more towards the obnoxious end of the spectrum. He is not supposed to be here. He’s supposed to be out. And you are most definitely not supposed to be standing in front of your full-length mirror, dressed head to toe in his Knight of Time God-Tier pajamas.

“ _FUCK!_ OH FUCKING FUCK, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN STANDING THERE?”

“Like ten seconds, dude, chill, I’m not some kind of creepy-ass stalker.”

‘I... _FUCK_...WHAT HAPPENED TO LUNCH AND A MOVIE?”

“June had to bail on the movie. She realized she forgot her lactaid after ordering and eating most of the quadruple-queso nachos at lunch. I’ll just go ahead and spare you the details of the car ride home...”

“WELL YOU COULD HAVE FUCKING TEXTED ME THAT YOU WERE COMING HOME EARLY!”

He raises an eyebrow slightly.

“I mean, yeah, I could have. Sorry it didn’t occur to ask permission from my own boyfriend to enter my own home at my own will. Next time I’ll be sure to send off a quick 'hey, I’m coming home now, so if you happen to be trying on my clothes and would have a total fucking meltdown if I were to witness that for some reason even though I’ve told you repeatedly that it’s completely fine with me under any circumstances, you’ve got about 10 minutes to not be doing that.’”

“ _OH GOD, OH FUCKING HELL…_ ”

Your head drops as far forward as it will go, and your fingers find themselves entwined in your hair, doing their God's honest best to tug it all out at once. Dave just strides in and casually sits on the foot of the bed.

“Babe, literally chill. I guess this is like, a thing, for you, for some reason, but I promise you do actually look very good, and I am only judging you a little bit.”

You can feel the hot red blood rushing into your cheeks. You don’t even want to think about what you must look like, but if you had to guess, you'd say your face is probably getting pretty close to matching your outfit.

“DAVE I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD, IF YOU EVER LOVED ME, YOU WILL TAKE ONE OF YOUR SHITTY SWORDS OFF THE WALL AND JUST END MY LIFE RIGHT THE FUCK NOW! PLEASE, I’M ACTUALLY BEGGING YOU. IT WOULD BE A MERCY...”

His smirk grows by another pixel or two. He is still just thoroughly enjoying this, despite your sheer agony, or more likely, because of it.

“Well, no. I mean, yes, I love you. But no. Also, it would just break. You’re underestimating just how shitty those things are.”

Your hands move to cover your face. Pained noises start coming out of your mouth without your consent. You bite your lip, but even that fails to contain them.

"OK, I know I’m probably gonna regret this immediately, but just so I can get a sense of how best to proceed from here- this isn’t, like, _a sex thing_ , is it?"

You can’t even think about trying to formulate words anymore, or even vaguely coherent thoughts. So instead you just scream into your hands and pray to whatever unknowable entity is actually in charge of Paradox Space to make you disappear forever.

"Cause you know you can just talk to me about that stuff. I mean, this isn’t something I necessarily would have thought up myself, but, you know me, I’m down to try anything once…"

"OH MY FUCKING FUCK DAVE NO IT IS NOT A FUCKING _SEX THING_ YOU SICK FUCK! NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE A FUCKING SEX THING! IF ANYTHING IT’S A...OH GOD…"

You were briefly able to make eye contact with Dave while channeling your emotions into very justifiable anger in his direction, but the overwhelming shame quickly floods back in and you have to bury your face right back in your hands. You really would love to just completely collapse into a ball on the floor, honestly, but you think that would just make you look even stupider and end up being one more thing to be embarrassed about, so you resist.

"IT’S A... _FUCK_ … IT’S AN INFERIORITY COMPLEX THING? OK? IT’S A FUCKING I HAVE MENTAL ISSUES ABOUT NOT BEING FUCKING GOD-TIER THING! HAPPY? OH FUCK, PLEASE JUST DON’T EVEN LOOK AT ME FOR THE NEXT MANY HOURS OR POSSIBLY YEARS…"

You expect another witty light-hearted dig, but Dave is just quiet. After a few seconds, you venture to move your hands and look at him again, which prompts him to respond.

"Oh. Huh."

He’s not smirking anymore.

" _HUH?_ THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY ON THE MATTER?"

"I just...I guess I didn’t know you felt that way."

Now he averts his gaze to the floor, looking ashamed. You look away too, tugging at the too-long sleeves of your costume.

"WELL, IT’S KINDA HARD NOT TO WHEN YOUR MATESPRIT AND MOST OF YOUR SOCIAL CIRCLE ARE THE ACTUAL DEITIES OF THE UNIVERSE AND YOU’RE NOT BECAUSE YOU FAILED SO FUCKING MISERABLY AT THE GOD-BECOMING OPPORTUNITY THAT WAS BASICALLY HANDED TO YOU ON A SILVER FUCKING PLATTER!"

You glance back and now notice how his hands clench at the comforter beneath him, though you’re fairly certain he doesn’t even realize it himself. A moment passes and neither of you speak, unsure what to say.

"You...you know _I_ don’t feel that way, right? Like, at all?"

The look on his face is one of utter defeat. You frantically try to search for words that you think could make it better, but he beats you to it.

"Like, I very much could not give less of a shit about what sorts of stupid magical powers you have or don’t have, or, Jesus, how your fucking SGrub session went down, dude. Believe it or not, I actually love you for who you are, Karkat, not some arbitrarily assigned bullshit title from a game you played as a kid, and whether or not you happened to stumble ass backwards into the fucking gold star achievement at it. Like, the actual person that you actually are, and have always been and will always be, no matter what sort of narrative bullshit gets thrown your way. That's not gonna fucking change. And, I mean…”

He pauses a moment and lets out an audible breath through his nose before finishing his thought, notably quieter than the rest.

“...I hope you feel the same about me."

"JEGUS DAVE, YES OF COURSE I DO! THAT’S NOT...IT ISN’T… _FUCK_ …"

You let your arms flail freely until you feel the prickle of tears threatening at your eyes, so you force your hands into Dave’s pockets and tilt your head up to stave them off.

"And, look, I’m sorry for like, randomly flying sometimes or doing some stupid ironic timey thing just for kicks. I mean, I could say I didn’t realize it bothers you but that’s obviously not true- I know it _bothers_ you, but in like, a funny Karkat way. I didn’t realize it, like, actually…”

He exhales another exasperated breath as he runs a hand front to back through his hair, leaving it to hang off the back of his neck.

“And honestly, I only do that stuff cause I really do think the whole thing is just a straight up farcical load of horse shit, you know? Or, alright fuck it, I guess if we’re doing the feelings thing- I guess I’d just rather think of it as a stupid party trick slash occasional lifehack slash something easy I can bust your chops with from time to time cause you’re really fucking cute when you’re angry, cause I don’t really _want_ to think of it as anything more than that. I don’t want to think about the actual implications. Of like, actual God-hood. Or...immortality."

There it is. Finally, the massive fucking trunk-beast in the room has been named, and now it can’t be ignored. This time, the silence lasts. Dave eventually lets himself assume a more comfortable position, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands, but he doesn’t look up from his chosen spot on the floor. You alternate between looking at him and looking at anything else a few times, and open and close your mouth a few times, over the course of the longest minute or so of your life, unsure what you could possibly say to make this problem go away. You know full well you can’t make it go away. You wouldn’t be having this conversation at all if you could. You wouldn’t be wearing the fucking pajamas if you could. But eventually, over the course of the painful, long, silent minute, you decide that just saying the truth is better than sitting in this any longer.

"LOOK, I KNOW THAT’S...A THING. I’M NOT SMOOTH-PANNED ENOUGH TO HAVE NOT REALIZED THAT IT’S A THING. AND YOU KNOW, I WISH I HAD A FUCKING SOLUTION, OR I COULD JUST TELL YOU IT’S FINE AND THEN YOU’D JUST BE FINE WITH IT, BUT I DON’T, OK? BUT I’M PERFECTLY FINE WITH JUST NOT WORRYING ABOUT IT FOR AT LEAST SEVERAL MORE DECADES WHEN IT ACTUALLY MIGHT BE A MORE PRESSING ISSUE. CAUSE, I GUESS, WHY WASTE THE TIME WE HAVE FREAKING OUT ABOUT SOMETHING WE CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT, RIGHT? SO THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN DOING, AND IT WORKS. FOR ME AT LEAST. OK? SO CAN WE MAYBE JUST KEEP DOING THAT?"

Dave doesn't say anything, but he's tilted his face as far away from your direction as possible without actually shifting his position. Is he crying? If he is, he’s doing everything he can to hide it from you, so the best thing you can do for him is to put the thought out of your mind, as much as it breaks your heart, and just keep talking so he doesn’t have to. So you do.

"AND HONESTLY, THAT PART ACTUALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH _THIS_ WHOLE HUMILIATING SHIT-SHOW ANYWAY.”

You gesture at your outfit, even though he’s still not looking.

“I GENUINELY DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT NOT LIVING FOREVER. THE THING ABOUT STATE-SANCTIONED EXECUTION LURKING AROUND EVERY FUCKING CORNER FOR THE FIRST SIX SWEEPS OF YOUR LIFE IS THAT IT KINDA FORCES YOU TO GET OVER YOUR FEAR OF DEATH PRETTY FUCKING QUICK. SORRY TO GO THERE BUT AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING REAL, RIGHT? AND I DON’T EVEN REALLY CARE ABOUT HAVING COOL POWERS, OR BEING ABLE TO FLY. WELL, OK, ACTUALLY, BEING ABLE TO FLY WOULD BE PRETTY FUCKING SWEET SO SURE, FUCK IT, I’M JEALOUS THAT YOU CAN FLY AND I CAN’T. WHAT THE FUCK EVER. I JUST WANT...I DON’T WANT TO FEEL LIKE I’M BENEATH YOU...I GUESS. DO NOT MAKE A FUCKING SEX JOKE RIGHT NOW."

His torso contracts ever so slightly in a humorless laugh, telling you that your attempt to ease the tension with a quip of your own was at least somewhat successful. He rotates his head back to face down and straight ahead, so you can at least see half of his face again.

"Dude, I am actually capable of reading the room."

His voice sounds normal, not choked or strained or even particularly emotional at all, which, of course, for Dave, would not be normal. So with the relief of knowing that you’re no longer hurting him more than he can reasonably handle, you decide to continue the conversation. Now that you’ve started, you do actually want to continue this conversation. You think that, maybe, you need to.

"YEAH, FINE, SORRY. BUT NOT EVEN JUST YOU, FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE I REMOTELY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT IN LIFE IS JUST UNDISPUTABLY ON A HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTANCE THAN ME. EVEN KANAYA HAS HER OWN BADASS MAGICAL IMMORTALITY THING GOING ON SO AS FAR AS I’M CONCERNED SHE’S JUST ONE OF THE FUCKING PANTHEON. BUT OF COURSE IT’S MOSTLY YOU. I CAN’T REALLY HELP BUT BE PRETTY MUCH CONSTANTLY AWARE THAT I’M NOT WORTHY OF YOU, OK? THAT I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. AND I BLEW MY CHANCE AT THAT FOREVER AND I CAN’T GO BACK SO I JUST HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT AND COPE WITH IT IN REALLY EMBARRASSING FUCKED UP WAYS EVERY NOW AND THEN WHEN I THINK NO ONE’S LOOKING. SO FUCKING THERE IT IS. I'LL GO CHANGE NOW. SORRY."

You turn towards the closet and even manage to take a step or two before Dave leaps up from the bed and darts over to plant himself right in your path. He wraps his arms so firmly yet so gently around you before you even have a chance to register what’s happening. He puts a hand on the back of your head and pulls it into his chest. You’re rendered completely incapable of escaping, but you can’t help but feel like you’d be perfectly happy to stay just like this for the rest of your life anyway. You wrap your arms around his waist and lean in.

"Karkat, listen to me. You are, by far, by like, fucking lightyears, the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just...I really need you to know that. And if you ever stop believing it for a single fucking second for whatever reason, please just like, kick me or something, or better yet, just fucking tell me, and I will instantly drop whatever I’m doing and I will make you believe it again my any means necessary. OK? As far as I'm concerned that is my number one priority in life from here on out. Deal?"

You tighten your arms around his waist and press your cheek even further into his chest.

"YEAH, OK, DEAL. AND...SAME. YOU, I MEAN. ARE THE BEST...FUCK IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN."

"Hey, thanks.”

He kisses you right between the horns, sending a wave of warmth through your whole body. You squeeze him even tighter.

“And I mean, as long we’re being vulnerable and shit, just FYI, I actually live in pretty much constant fear that one of these days you’re gonna realize I’m not actually that cool and leave me. So how’s that for a level playing field?"

You pull back just enough to put a hand on his cheek. You’re close enough now that you can see his eyes through his shades, and you look directly into them and offer your sweetest smile.

“DAVE, MY LOVE, MY SWEET, BEAUTIFUL, HUMAN MAN- SINCE THE DAY WE FIRST MET, FROM THE VERY FIRST TIME I LAID EYES ON YOU, I’VE KNOWN IN THE DEEPEST DEPTHS OF MY SOUL, WITHOUT A SINGLE DOUBT, THAT YOU’RE NOT ACTUALLY THAT COOL.”

He laughs and pulls you in tighter, and you’re not sure which is more gratifying.

“Yeah I guess I deserved that. And hey, actually, that’s like, a huge weight off my shoulders. Finally, no longer held down by the oppressive forces of perpetual coolitude, I can actually just be myself.”

To your chagrin, he finally lets you go so he can more fully commit to his bit.

“Time to finally embark on that long-overdue journey of self-discovery. Endless fucking possibilities. Maybe I’ll take up baking. Or get really into wizards. Or hiking or some shit. Yeah! Karkat, let’s go camping next weekend! And then after that we can come home and watch Ghostbusters 2 a couple times…”

“NEVERMIND, YOU WERE RIGHT. I’M LEAVING YOU.”

“Hell, maybe I’ll actually go to college, get a degree in like, philosophy or some shit. Or fucking quantum physics. Or acting. Yes. Where doing it, man. Where making this hapen.”

You can hear him somehow manage to verbally misspell the word ‘happen,’ and your eyes just go ahead and roll themselves. God dammit, he is just the absolute worst and you love him so fucking much.

“I’M GOING TO TAKE A VERY LONG SHOWER TO WASH THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION OFF OF MY BODY AND OUT OF MY THINKPAN FOREVER. DO NOT FOLLOW ME.”

You start walking towards the bathroom and do not look back.

“K. Just hang the pajamas up when you're done so they don't get wrinkled.”

“FUCK YOU.”

“Yeah, I knew it was a sex thing...”

You slam the bathroom door behind you.


End file.
